


I'm Not a Virgin!

by casablancas



Series: Dick Figures but they do the do in almost all episodes [3]
Category: Dick Figures
Genre: Barebacking, Crack, Dubious Consent, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Horny Teenagers, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Riding, S03E03 Terminate-Her!, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:09:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24217189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casablancas/pseuds/casablancas
Summary: When Blue tells Sarah Connors that he isn’t a virgin, a brief flash of his first time comes to mind with the familiar red-capped guy, pretending to be fuckin’ Arnold Schwarzenegger right now, beneath him. He squirms a bit at the memory but ignores it easily.When Sarah Connors dies though, at least, he thinks she does, because ofRed, the memory comes back again and he wails at it.
Relationships: Blue/Red (Dick Figures)
Series: Dick Figures but they do the do in almost all episodes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739440
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	I'm Not a Virgin!

**Author's Note:**

> i actually like this more than the last bc the smut kinda makes sense? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ anyway, sorry for any grammatical errors or inaccuracies!

When Blue tells Sarah Connors that he isn’t a virgin, a brief flash of his first time comes to mind with the familiar red-capped guy, pretending to be fuckin’ Arnold Schwarzenegger right now, beneath him. He squirms a bit at the memory but ignores it easily.

When Sarah Connors dies though, at least, he thinks she does, because of _Red_ , the memory comes back again and he wails at it.

-

“Dude, who’d you lose your virginity to?” they’re high school students and Blue’s doing some Math homework on his desk while Red’s on his bed, throwing a small ball vertically before catching it with one hand, clearly bored out of his mind.

“To a tree in Camp Redwood…” Red replies, snorting like he isn’t serious, which half the time he isn’t. Blue frowns though.

“That doesn’t count.” He says whilst crossing out an equation he did wrong. Red snickers.

“Pfft... Yeah it does! Made me feel good as shit! And you?” Red waggles his eyebrows like he already _knows_ the answer. Blue involuntarily rolls his eyes. It’s quiet for a moment.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything!” a chuckle from the mahogany-head.

“See! You’re laughing!”

“That’s cuz I know you’re still a VIRGIN!” his friend laughs boisterously, snorting in between like a pig.

It’s not so insulting, Blue admits, because at least he’s got more brain cells than his friend. And the probability of achieving STDs is _very_ low for him. But then, Red’s immune system is actually extraordinary— _literally_. Blue thinks he’s never seen Red sick at least _once_ and it’s kind of not fair, even with the alarming amount of alcohol he ingests (he later realizes it’s because the motherfucker’s from _space_ which could dub him as an _alien_ or some shit with a _god-like_ immune system).

“Haha okay mind-reader, you just spilled the beans.” he responds, a bit irritated at the siren-like laugh of his best friend. Times like this make him wonder _why_ they’re even friends. They’re literally complete opposites but he suppose it’s mostly _him_ to be blamed for.

 _If I’d just died during kindergarten.._. He sighs regretfully.

“I can take it for you.” Red says seductively, though leaning more on the cocky (haha) side, seconds after calming himself from laughing. Blue looks at him as though he’s been told there was a Red clone in the first floor of his house, which _is_ a terrifying thought for the lad.

“Dude, that’s gay.” He says finally, turning to continue his homework.

Red whines, “Look. Dude, Even if you’ve fucked a thousand girls in your lifetime, you’re still technically a virgin!”

“And why is that?”

“Because… to be _not_ a virgin is to experience anal at least once in your life!” Red takes off his cap and lays it on the nightstand, scratching his hair.

Blue gives him a scrutinizing gaze.

“What the fuck?” and the image of Red getting butt-fucked by a tree is something he’s not supposed to think about because those are the stuffs that give him nightmares for _days_.

“It is what it is my guy.” Red says loftily.

“How the fuck did a tree take your virginity then?!”

“The tree had a mysterious penis!”

Blue groans frustratingly, feeling himself about to implode but he doesn’t and thinks about Red’s idea of being a not-virgin. It does make sense though, but getting rammed by his best friend from behind isn’t something he’s _very_ keen on doing. Plus, he doesn’t really believe Red’s story.

 _But anything_ ** _is_** _possible in this godforsaken universe._ So he says, “I’ll use a strap-on or dildo. Have some cougar do it for me someday.” as if he’s solved his issue.

_Was this even an issue? I should focus more on the Math problems._

Red whines _again_.

“It has to be from a live dick! Something that’s… _alive!_ And it should come from a man!” Red says it like Blue’s the dumb one here and Blue has to close his eyes and count to ten otherwise he’s going to stab someone in his room until they’re one hundred percent dead. It wouldn’t matter because he’d be using a pencil but _at least_.

“Come on Blue! I’m horny!”

“Like that’s my problem!”

“Pleaaase? It’s going to be amazing I promise! It’s a win-win for the both of us y’know. And you started it with the virginity! It made me think of the good ol’ days.”

“I get the feeling you’re doing this only to have gay sex.”

“If we say no homo at the end, it doesn’t count.” Red proudly proclaims.

“Why don’t you just go out there and fuck somebody?”

“Because I’m lazy and I don’t want my best friend missing out on the not-virgin lifestyle!” He’s smug now.

 _What the fuck does that even mean?_ Blue grits his teeth in confusion.

“Look, dude, thanks for the offer but I can find someone else to do the job. It’d be awkward between us best friends.” Blue shrugs after the statement and turns to continue his homework.

“I’ll let you ride me.”

The offer _now_ is tempting. If the beginnings of a strain in his jeans isn’t enough proof. He wonders why.

“Look. Can we forget we ever discussed this right now? I don’t think it’s a good idea and I’m busy doing homework.” Red stalks to him like a predator and Blue feels a shiver run down his spine at the charismatic gaze Red’s giving him. His eyes drift from up to down, to the tent that seems to pique him.

“Ah so you DO find the idea entertaining.” He smiles, a grin more or less. Blue’s at a loss for words until Red kneels in front of him to unbutton his jeans. He grabs the teenager’s hands before they can go any further.

“What the _fuck_ do you think you’re _doing?!_ ” He’s probably red (ironically) right now, because of the heat, despite the electric fan in his room.

“Going to suck your dick?”

“ _What-_ why the fuck would you do _that?!_ ” He hisses, albeit feeling more turned on.

“Because I’m horny and I’m craving dick right now?” He’s smiling, no teeth and eyes gleaming with excitement. Blue sighs, agitated, knowing well enough that there was no stopping his friend anytime. He won’t admit it but his interest in seeing Red suck penis – _his_ especially. Shamelessly – is something he’d observe for… _scientific purposes_ ; most especially under the _Biology_ branch.

“Okay. You can suck my dick but we’re not doing any anal!” the cerulean-head almost snarls, feeling hot at the idea of riding his friend.

“That doesn’t sound fair though.” Red replies, already pulling Blue’s pants down.

“And why is t-that?” Blue questions, arms crossed, serious expression on but his torso’s shaking a little because of the nerves.

“What if I get hard while sucking you off? You gon’ suck my dick?”

“No!”

“So?”

As aroused as Blue is, he couldn’t help but agree to that. To him, sucking dick is just too much. He thinks about the aftertaste that’s going to be left on his tongue for days to come and he might not be able to face Red in the eyes again. Not to mention, his little to zero experience on sucking dick AND the big homo energy that must emanate.

This brings him to another question:

“Have you sucked dick before?” Red’s about to pull down his boxers – Blue mentally gasps at that – when he looks up to think of a reply. He shakes his head. Blue grimaces at that.

“Even with… the magic tree penis?” Red shakes his head, smirking.

“Dude I swear if you bite my dick off, I’m actually going to _kill_ you!” Blue sort of panics as he tries to pull his boxers up but Red beats him to it with a delighted sound and the boxers finally come off.

 _Boing!_ goes Blue’s cock that’s already leaking pre-cum on the tip.

“ _Holy shit dude_ …” the cerulean-head initially looked smug – a complete one eighty from his fearful face earlier – at the expression until Red adds, “You’re smaller than me.” and his mood instantly drops.

“I’m not going to bite your dick off stupid. Besides, how hard can it be? Chicks do it to me all the time.” says the kneeling teen with as much confidence as always, already stroking the member slowly, using pre-cum as lube.

 _Honestly, how did it come to this?_ Blue huffs a little at the thought, looking down at his best friend with more or less interest.

Blue’s breath hitches and his body is _overheating_ because of the action which is _ridiculous_ but he can’t help the need to exhale heavily.

 _This is my first time receiving a blowjob from someone_ ** _holy shit_**. Red takes half the whole thing in and at first, there’s a hint of teeth involved but it later vanishes as he takes in more of his best friend’s prick. What’s left is the hot, velvety tongue of his that almost all ladies have died for upon encountering and right now, Blue feels like _dying_ at how fantastic it feels; hot, heavy and something akin to being coarse but in a _satisfying_ way. Red hollows his cheeks whilst sucking as his left hand continues to stroke the shaft, his right caressing Blue’s balls (hah! _blue balls_ ). Blue doesn’t fail to notice the amount of saliva Red’s expelling which is undeniably _sexy_.

_What the fuck am I thinking?_

“W-wha… What’s the- _nngh_ … difference betw- between our d-dicks?” Blue manages to let out. Red’s reply is a plain “two” represented by his right hand before quickly going back to the job. Blue knows he’s five inches and a half so the image of Red’s being _bigger_ shouldn’t _appeal_ to him too much than it should be.

Blue’s _aching_ to thrust into the tight heat of his best friend’s mouth but he resists the temptation and instead, hunches forward a bit while gripping the chair’s handles stiffly. He bites his lower lip to trap the embarrassing sounds inside willing to come out; grunts and short gasps are being released instead. He can observe Red from above, looking focused as usual when it came to intercourse or anything related to it, bobbing his head and occasionally making eye contact with him. And it’s actually disgustingly _lewd_ even though it’s an obvious fact, which he has to admit, gives a sensation similar to _jealousy_ deep in his gut – because many females have felt this at one point with _him_ , right? – but he doesn’t entertain that train of thought too much.

He wants to pull on the mahogany locks, to maybe deepthroat him, but that’s a clear action of being a _huge homo_ and this activity is strictly _no homo_ thank you very much.

Red pulls away from the penis with a _pop!_ – that Blue somehow finds sexually enticing but he’s _not_ going to admit _that_ – moments after sucking before giving it a long lick from bottom to tip and a tiny suck as well for the head as though it is his favorite part.

“The head’s my favorite part.” he grins and Blue scowls, an underlying feeling of disappointment at the sudden wrap-up.

“I’m not cumming yet…” he mutters, a bit displeased but mostly confused. He’s pretty close too from cumming which he thinks is a shame.

“Nah not yet… figured you’d need your energy for the next step.” Red waggles his eyebrows the second time of that day and Blue’s beginning to hate it.

“You’re still thinking about that?!” Blue wonders aloud, angry, as Red stands up from his position, stretching his body by trying to reach the roof.

“Of course I am. How’re we going to fix this hard-on then?” at that, Blue’s startled at the tent that’s _very_ visible inside Red’s jersey shorts (he notes, it’s _his_ shorts but whatever).

Blue’s silence is admittedly, kind of worrying especially since the hard-on Red’s sporting is beginning to feel uncomfortable and he _really_ needs to release it somehow inside something warm and tight... [like an ass]

“Alright, alright fine! I’ll give you anal and YOU give me anal as well… deal?”

“Oh my GOD just shut the fuck up!”

Blue pushes him to the bed, homework forgotten; to which Red instinctively pushes himself to the headboard as well, a grin slowly making its way on his face.

“You better owe me on this one.” Blue bites out, blushing slightly.

“Hey, I sucked your dick. It’s fair and square amigo.” Red replies happily.

Blue simply rolls his eyes in annoyance before pulling down the jersey shorts of his best friend. Red sniggers like the lil’ shit he is before making grabby hands for Blue’s waist, impatient.

“I gotta stretch myself right?” Blue queries and Red nods a bit too frantic, saying, “Let _me_ do it!” before grabbing the lotion Blue took out from a drawer under his bed. He felt a bit of a shiver at Red’s insistence, who by now was practically bouncing on the mattress like a restless toddler.

“Why’re you so excited?” Blue asks because it’s freaking him out.

“’Cuz I’m finna fuckin’ a _man_ dude! I put this shit on my bucket list!” Blue laughs nervously at that whilst kneeling in front of the teen, straddling him at the same time.

“You have a bucket list?” Blue inquires, curiosity in his voice. Red shrugs, grinning as confirmation.

“Shouldn’t we… use a condom?”

“Nah, I’m clean. Plus, it feels better to do it raw than with a condom.” Red smirks suggestively, hands running over the cerulean-head’s sides.

“Take my boxers off would ya?”

“Oh. Yeah...”

The moment the boxers slides off the mahogany-haired lad, the biggest cock Blue has ever seen (in his lifetime at least) springs up to _smack!_ On his best friend’s clothed abdomen, over seven inches long and an inch thick. His jaw-dropping expression easily amuses Red who’s beginning to squirt out lotion from the almost-empty bottle.

“Told ya I was bigger than you.” he starts, vainly.

“Red… What THE FUCK.”

“I know, I know. It’s impressive. Years of fucking and drinking wei-“ Blue clears his throat, still kneeling. Red stops talking, surprisingly.

“I was going to say that this is _probably_ not going to fit in me. And if it did, it would hurt like hell and I’ll have to _crawl_ my way to school by Monday and that’s a _day_ away which isn’t enough to actually relax my sore ass and now I’m absolutely terrified of doing this for you!” Blue stops, panting slightly and he knows it’s pointless to say something like that considering it’s _Red_ but he supposes it’s worth a shot.

“… Did you say crawl?” did he say worth a shot?

“Yeah so what…?”

“You’re telling me that because of how good my cock feels, you’re going to have to crawl for _two fucking days to school?!_ _Holy shit! That’s hot as hell!_ ” and Red sort of floats just a few inches from the bed, obviously gleeful before coming down again; the cerulean-head facepalms at the statement as he sits on his calves to rest his legs.

“Alright let’s do it!”

“What? No!”

“D’aww don’t be such a baby!”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one getting buttfucked!”

“You’re still going to fuck me tomorrow or _Tuesday night_.” Red bursts out laughing.

“No, I won’t be fucking you. That’s too gay for me.” Red’s eyes widen a bit.

“You’re not-”

“Let’s just get this over with!” Blue interjects, hoisting his ass up and dragging Red’s slick hand to the entrance of his ass. His hands shake though when the index finger’s a mere inch away. Red’s awfully silent, much to Blue’s mortification. He slowly breathes out.

_There’s no turni-_

A push from a finger in his butt chokes him from his thoughts. He looks at Red who’s staring down at his finger dipped inside his best friend’s asshole.

“Holy shit.” he breathes out, eyes widening more before pushing in further – and Blue will deny that he just emitted a short gasp just from one finger, body heating up again.

“God it’s so- _ah!_ Fuckin’ _hot_ …” Blue complains as Red starts to twist and turn his finger inside – his finger feeling equally warm but slippery – removing his shirt to throw on the floor. Red promptly ejects his finger to take off his shirt as well – Blue feeling a little relieved from the loss – before grabbing the other boy’s waist to pull closer, inserting the slicked index finger once again.

“You look so sexy naked dude. No homo.” Red grins goofily, a little dazed and he sucks on his best friend’s nipples whilst inserting a second finger.

“Ugh _fuck!_ ” Blue moans, clenching against the fingers inside and – finally! – wrapping his hands around the mahogany locks of his best friend. He doesn’t really notice but he starts to cooperate with the fingers trying to stretch him by pushing himself down voluntarily, knocking out a breath. His clenching’s uncontrollable though.

Red pulls away from the second nipple and looks at his best friend’s denim blue eyes, saying, “You gotta relax dude, stop clenching too much.” in the most soothing way possible for someone like Red. Blue doesn’t have the energy to argue, all of which are being directed to his ass taking in a couple fingers for the first time. He exhales as he wills his eyes to close, trying to uncross his eyebrows. He starts to open himself up, slowly but surely as he swallows a big lump in his throat.

Red nods unhurriedly, murmuring, “That’s it baby boy. Let me in.” before inserting his third finger, knuckle-deep. Blue gasps at the sudden intrusion – _and_ nickname – but doesn’t comment on it, interlocking his fingers through his friend’s hair instead. The stretching becomes easier then, especially with Blue’s coordination and he can finally appreciate the little licks and suckles of his best friend for his flushed skin. Red extracts his fingers for his upcoming cock (that Blue still _dreads_ ), stroking it four times after slickening it up.

Blue sort of hopes an explosion to occur somewhere outside, but it’s just birds tweeting on a tree.

When it’s an inch inside of Blue, both are silent, as though waiting for a bomb to drop somewhere but nervous nonetheless. By the third inch, Blue’s breathing begins to come out fast, Red’s calm still but he can’t help rubbing his hands on Blue’s hip bones as a means of comfort for the both of them. By the sixth, Blue’s clenching a _lot_ despite the earlier stretching out of sheer fear but Red doesn’t really notice. He makes busy with his friend’s torso instead, muttering, “I got you, I got you… Just slowly let go.”

It takes a few minutes, Red licking and sucking on any unscarred area Blue’s body has to offer – his shoulders, his sternum, the edge of both nipples and the rib cages – whilst giving him praises and consistently calling him _baby boy_ in hushed, sensual tones before Blue, who is letting out mixed sounds of mewling and gasping at the same time, finally takes in all of his friend’s cock.

 _Somebody out there must have over nine inches huh._ He marvels but cringes in the next second, clenching unknowingly again.

Red halts his ministrations, running his hands flat on the cerulean-head’s back as though to ease him. Blue finds it weird at how _incredibly_ gentle Red’s being but he’s not going to protest.

“I just… hah… had a thought.” Red quirks an eyebrow, interested, which is a shock to the speaker.

“Somebody out there… must have a bigger dick… _hmm_ … than _you_.” Blue’s sweating quite a lot as his skin gets graced with a flushed pink. Red on the other hand, thinks about some dude – _fuckin’ Broseph_ – who’s got bigger balls and dick than him, fucking _his_ best friend and immediately grits his teeth in dismay and jealousy.

“ _No other dick is allowed to fuck you but this._ ” he growls out before pulling back to insert his dick inside once again, gentleness all gone as he falls on the bed to make himself comfortable. Blue’s back arches forward, hands fisted on the mahogany-head’s torso and eyes now as wide as saucers with a few tears edging its way out. He lets out a silent moan, choking a bit from the sudden pain down his spine.

Red uses both his hands that were on Blue’s back to hastily open his ass wider to fully get in the dude’s hole, balls deep. He does this four more times before Blue responds with a push of his bum towards Red’s cock, whimpering still but the pleasured feeling beginning to crawl up his spine.

He lets out short gasps as he continues fucking himself with Red’s dick, sliding slightly to give some friction for his still hard penis. The room is filled with _squelch!_ -ing and moaning sounds from both males and its eroticness makes Blue want to kiss Red just to silence it at least, for a moment.

“Wah… Wanna k-kiss?” Blue asks, his cock twitching from desperately wanting to cum, bouncing his ass against his friend’s push and pull. He rolls his hips in an attempt to rub his cock against the mahogany-head’s abdomen

“If we say… _ugh_ … no homo… _sure_.” and Blue desperately kisses his friend like his life depends on it, teeth clashing and tongues battling. Blue’s brain is in a haze, the only thought being _Red_ as though the guy had finally taken over his mind. In a few minutes or so, he’s going to regret this, when he wakes up in the middle of the night for a midnight dinner and upon seeing the body of his sleeping friend, he won’t be able to face him fully again.

But for now, he’s going to _enjoy_ it with his _horny-as-hell mind_.

“Fuckfuckfu _ckfuckkk_ …” he whispers heatedly against Red beneath him who’s releasing hitched breaths, licking on his friend’s upper lip to coax him back into kissing.

“You feel so good baby... _yeah_ … That’s my baby boy.” Red groans at the tightness, kissing the cerulean-head once again, pushing his tongue through and tasting every crevice of the interior of his mouth hotly. At the same time, after Red says the nickname in that low, sultry sex tone of his, Blue cums accidentally on his abdomen with a strangled cry, clenching uncontrollably again for his best friend’s cock. He jerks for a bit, releasing spurts of hot semen on the other’s stomach as his sanguine body slowly slips into the high after the climax. He can’t hear shit for a bit, the aftermath of cumming _real good_ always does that to him.

Red’s still hard by the start of his friend’s breaking point, but his thrusts become faster and less coordinated until seconds later, he too cums with a long and deep groan, biting on the muscle just above the cerulean-head’s clavicle as spurts of hot, white cum fill his best friend’s ass. He lays back down as drowsiness begins to overtake his mind, panting slightly. Blue wonders what the fuck Red’s thinking now.

_God no homo right okay?_

“H-holy shit… God… _Ugh_ …” Blue moans after, falling on top of the teen with his energy completely drained. He squirms a bit at the feeling of sticky spunk inside him but it feels good, good as _hell_ to be filled for the first time.

 _God, who would’ve thought I’d lose my virginity to this guy._ He thinks tiredly. Their panting is what’s heard in the room by then. Now that the afterglow was starting to lift, Blue feels knots inside his stomach, the settlement of reality making him uneasy.

“Dude... We just… _kissed_.” he says, still lying on top of Red, his stabled breathing comforting him a bit and making him forget about the mess they created.

It's not his first kiss, mind you but it still kinda freaks him out.

“No homo bro.” is all Red says before falling asleep, hands curled around the other teen, a ghost of a smirk playing his features.

“No homo.” Blue replies with a dejected sigh before falling asleep as well.

-

Back to present day, Blue’s vomiting his guts out as Pink worries for him from the other side of the bathroom. Red goes downstairs to kill the pretend Sarah Connors.

**Author's Note:**

> hey thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed this and i think i'm gon' take a break from DF after this coz i've other works to look after (⌒_⌒; but i'll be back oki.


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